I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
