Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
