Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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