I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
