I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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