paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
