eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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