You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
