can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize