Pregnant stripper...not hot.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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