I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
