I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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