This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
