Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
