i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
