just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
