did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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