Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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