I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
