Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
