At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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