Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
