yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
When are your genitals available?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
