need another drink. this is the easiest way
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
