I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
