I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
