Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
