He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
