I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Is Oprah even human
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
