Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
ttyl tear gas
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
