So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Randomize
