God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so explain again why im purple
no
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
