if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
