I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Randomize
