We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
