Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
