The maid of honor just puked.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
