I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
