Sry I called you an 8
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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