I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
