i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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