How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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