I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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