Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
