Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
My first STD was from a foam party
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
