you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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