You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize