who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
