ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
