: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
