your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
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