Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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