Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize