my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
