my shit smells like andre
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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