Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
