you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
