Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
