My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize