and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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