If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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