a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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