Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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