Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
