new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
