There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
